5 Easy ways to enhance your relationship

The quality of your relationship is gauged by how you talk to each other. Loving each other guarantees nothing. But learning how to talk with each other and putting it into practice, ensures your relationship will work.

As long as you and your spouse talk to each other, you can resolve anything.
By adding an intimate tone to your interaction, you re-vitalize and breathe life back into a relationship, even a faltering one.

What is intimate conversation? It occurs when you speak in earnest, about any topic. Almost hypnotic in the hold it exerts on you both, you tune in to each other completely.
Whether talking about rugby or the economy, politics or your family, talk with everything you have. Look at each other, listen to each other, hear each other. Then respond. This is intimate conversation.
Think back to last weekend. You had two days and three nights in which you had ample opportunity for communicating. What you spoke about is less important than how intensely you talked about it. Did you communicate in grunts, groans, half-sentences and incomplete statements? Or was there an earnestness about your talking?

With that as your basis, here are five guidelines guaranteed to make your relationship flourish:

1. Use "I" instead of "you". Let us look at two examples: "Why do you always add so much salt when you cook?" and "I would prefer less salt in the soup."
The first is a "you" statement. It places the burden on the other person, has an accusatory tone, will probably result in her defensively lashing out, and could well be the beginning of an unpleasant spat.
With the "I" message, you take responsibility for the idea, simply stating your personal preference.
Try eliminate all "you" statements and express your opinions as your own. Instead of saying, "You cannot help but like her," say "I like her." Instead of saying, "You would be foolish to do that," say "I would feel foolish doing that."
When you hear a "you" coming out your mouth, stop it. Only when you accept total responsibility for what you feel and say, will the other person be able to respond, otherwise how does she know what you really want.

2. Respond to what your spouse said. If you come home one afternoon and your husband asked, "Did you pick up the dry cleaning?" And you reply, "What? Do I have to do everything around here? How about you helping out for a change?" And before you know it, his simple question escalates into a verbal bloodletting.
The problem is not that you voiced your pent-up frustration; the problem is how you did it.
A better way would have been to complete the transaction by answering his original question, "No, I forgot to pick up the dry cleaning." Then you could have raised the issue of how you feel you do most of the work in your relationship. This needs to be addressed, but when you go off on a tangent without answering the original question, you catch him unaware.

3. Give your partner freedom of speech. When you judge and evaluate everything he says, he will clam up. Called a 'take-away', it takes away the legitimacy and validity of the other person's feelings.
For example, "How can you believe something like that?!" "Why would you do something like that?!" "I cannot believe you said that!"
The take-away is a lethal mixture of cynicism and incredulity, with no sure antidote. When it happens repeatedly, he may never revive his spirit.
Eliminate take-aways because they shut him up, make him feel foolish, and once he has been put down he is unlikely to speak up again soon.

4. Set aside regular talking time just for the two of you, despite your busy lives, because nothing is more important than frequent communication sessions.
Talk about how you are doing as a couple and how well your individual needs are being satisfied. Talk about everything remotely relevant to your relationship. If you feel something, get it out in the open, and the two of you can deal with it.

5. Do not label your partner or yourself. Labels make him easier to work with but we all change constantly. Let him be who he is, savor the stimulating effect of change, and enjoy your relationship with each other.

by Sharon Dell