Tendering your Relationship Helps it to Florish

Relationships are much like gardens. If you want either of them to flourish, you must take action.

Pick a Fertile Plot
It matters where you plant. Seeds struggle to germinate and survive in rocky soil or in areas where there is not enough sunlight. So it is with relationships (dating, marriage, friendships, parent/child, sibling, etc.). If there is constant conflict or too many stressful times, or if there is not enough shared fun, it will be hard, if not impossible, to grow a connection between two people.

Pick relationship "plots" where you can build on the ground of commonality. Do you like being with the other person? Are there things you like to do together? What do you have in common? Differences might attract, but they don't sustain a relationship. Instead, there needs to be an underlying friendship and a willingness for two people to partner together for common purposes.

Prepare the Soil
Once the plot has been chosen, there is work to be done. The ground must be prepared to host the seeds. Communication is the best tool available for preparing the soil of any long-lasting relationship. Be yourself. Share your thoughts, feelings, goals, and ideas. Don't assume things or expect the other person to read your mind. Open up and let him get to know you and your interests.

A wise person once said, "If you want to be understood, seek first to understand." Listening is vital to healthy communication. Listening is not passive; it is very active and requires attention to be good at it. Make direct eye contact. Don't formulate mental responses while the other person is talking. Be willing to listen with both ears, an open mind, and a closed mouth.

Plant with Enthusiasm
Successful gardeners don't simply go into the backyard, toss a handful of seeds on the ground, and then walk away and hope for the best. Instead they make a commitment to the garden. Yes, gardening can be enjoyable and relaxing, but it also can be hard work. To think otherwise is to be naive!
Likewise, relationships require enthusiastic commitment if they are to flourish and last. They need an investment of both time and energy in order to produce results. Connecting with another person demands that you commit yourself to that person come rain or shine, in both good and bad times. Neglecting the garden or your relationships is simply not an option if you expect them to grow and bloom.

Deal with Weeds and Pests
The garden begins to grow and it's starting to look great. But what is this? Weeds are popping up between the rows of vegetables, crowding out the plants. Aphids, beetles, and grubs are gnawing on the leaves and roots, and rabbits are eating off the flower heads. No faithful gardener would ever stand for this!
Likewise, you must deal with the pests and weeds in relationships. Conflict is inevitable in any relationships, even healthy ones. Avoiding conflict is not the answer. Ignoring problems does not make them go away. The silent treatment will cause a relationship to die on the vine, as will damaging the other person with hurtful words, accusations, and violence. You must talk it through and work it out peacefully and completely. Conflicts must be resolved for relationships to move forward.
Sometimes, it is necessary to call in a "master gardener." There is no shame in seeking outside objective help--like with a relationship therapist--to resolve conflict and learn how to get back to growing an abundant relationship.

Feed and Water
What you feed will grow; what you starve will die. This simple principle applies to gardening as well as to relationships. You can produce a hearty relationship crop by watering and feeding it with trust, respect, acceptance, and forgiveness. When these are missing in any relationship, the crop will fail. When they are present, the harvest will be plentiful.

Vickie Hull,